Get Out

Guys, if you want to meet girls, you have to be putting yourself out there. There's no two ways about that.

You have to be out in public making contact with other people.

If you're already out every night of the week, this post isn't aimed at you - but many of us have times in our lives when we can't do anything but sit around at home wondering when our lives are going to change by themselves.

But you know, once you start getting out, things start taking care of themselves. In the same way that if you listen to a lot of music, you learn about music whether you like it or not, if you're out in a lot of social settings, you get better at meeting people, including girls, whether you like it or not.

You're constantly observing social interaction, you're getting comfortable in situations where there are people you don't know around you. Sooner or later, just by going out, things are going to start happening for you. We're social animals, after all.

What I'm saying is: tonight, instead of reading my blog and trying to think up clever pick up lines, just go out. Somewhere. Anywhere. I don't care if you don't talk to anyone at all. Don't put any pressure on yourself. Just take the easy first step of doing something different, and take it from there.

Conversation

One of the aspects of the dating game that many guys stuggle with, or think that they struggle with, is conversation.

Many guys worry that they won't know what to talk to a girl about if they do approach her, there will be awkward silences and so on, and it completely freezes them up.

Firstly and most importantly, IT DOESN'T MATTER! It doesn't matter if you can't think of anything to talk about. You need to convince yourself of that, and get it thoroughly into your head. Once you have made your approach, you've done your thing. If there are awkward silences, the girl feels them too. She feels like the pressure is on her too, and she won't even notice if you're sweating, seriously. And anyway, girls love to talk, so just go and open a conversation and let her do her thing.

All you need is "Hi" and "See ya". If nothing happens in between, who gives a shit? Laugh it off and get on with your life.

However, having set that baseline, everyone would love to be a better converationalist. All you have to do is practise. You don't have to do it under the pressure of approaching a three set of HB9s. Just get another simple idea in your head. Every interaction you have with someone (that is, interactions that you're already having on a daily basis), say one more thing when you think the conversation is ended. Just one small thing and leave it at that.

For example, if you're buying Sports Illustrated at a gas station, just comment to the guy about how hot the girl on the cover is, if you wouldn't normally do that. If you're buying something at the supermarket, ask the checkout chick if the new cereal you're buying is any good. It's stupid. It's a small thing. It's a throwaway and no-one gets hurt. But before you know it, you're going to have natural conversations flowing, just by making a two second effort every time you talk to someone.

Puppies 2

I mentioned a few posts back that I'm living with a young puppy these days.

It's really interesting to see the way she learns, and learns to behave. In short, she's very quick to learn appropriate ways to behave, like many other animals. As long as you know in advance how you'd like her to behave, and reward and punish her consistently and clearly according to whether or not she behaves in that way, she's perfectly happy to change her behaviour within the course of a couple of days.

Of course, you can't change her entire world view in a couple of days - just one tiny part of it - but the point is that you can make a difference.

Though to be completely honest, in this case, there is the advantage of the puppy not having any other friends or influences who are trying to direct her thinking in different ways...

Seeking Attention

I'm pretty shy. Let's face it, if I wasn't, I would be out picking up girls instead of writing about it here right? You do realise that, don't you? ;-)

But something that I've only worked out recently is that just because I'm shy doesn't mean I don't like attention. It means that I don't feel naturally comfortable making a big fuss to attract attention to myself, and I don't particularly like being the focus of everyone's gaze in the room, but I still like attention.

Much as I would probably act tough and pretend that I don't care, I've realised that I like it when I make an impression, and people are thinking about me.

I'm not really going anywhere with this. There's no punch line. It's just an interesting realisation for a guy who's been insisting for years, to myself as well, that I don't give a damn what people think. I suppose if there's any point at all here, I've also noticed that it's very liberating whenever you discover a new truth about yourself, so I'd suggest that admitting to harsh realities isn't something to be shy about.

Alcohol

Not just when I'm out picking up girls, but at many other times in my life, I enjoy drinking alcohol.

As I'm sure you know, alcohol slows your brain down. Maybe you also know, but maybe you don't that it slows down the logical part of your brain before it slows down the more instinctual part of your brain. That is, if you drink a little but not too much, alcohol kills your inhibitions before it kills your instincts, and that's why alcohol gives you "courage". In some sense, it just takes the layer of social conditioning off and exposes the natural "courage" you already have.

I write courage in inverted commas, because it's often not a case of just enabling you to face things of which you would otherwise be afraid, but to do things that you would otherwise think are stupid. I enjoy writing much more, for example, after a drink. When I'm sober, I'm constantly thinking "No that's stupid, I can't say that. No that's stupid too, I can't say that either" and I can't get anything to come out. After a drink, there's a subtle shift to thinking "Hmm, that's stupid and I like it".

The thing is that I like the guy I am after one or two drinks, and other people do too. I'm creative and entertaining, and great fun to be around. I know that this is my real personality, but to this day, I've struggled to uncover it consistently when I'm stone cold sober. Does anyone out there have a consistent way to get into that state of mind without chemical assistance?

Don't Complain

I don't like to speak in negative terms, but "Be Positive" just seems like too cheesy a title for a post.

I don't like to speak in negative terms, because your choice of language really makes a genuine difference to concrete things that happen in your life (more on that both in the past and future on this blog...)

But just because I freakin' feel like it, today I'm telling you what NOT to do:

Don't complain, don't criticise, don't insult.

It makes you seem weak and insecure, and is a huge turnoff. To everyone, not just the girls you're trying to pick up.

If you complain that you don't earn enough money, it doesn't make girls feel sorry for you and want to have sex with you just to cheer you up. It makes you look like a loser who can't get what he wants.

If you criticise other people, it doesn't make you look smarter than they do. It makes you look jealous and insecure.

Same story with insults.

Learn to be comfortable with who you are at the same time as maintaining a burning desire to be a better person every day. (Yes, these two attitudes actually do go hand in hand). Learn to find and express the good qualities you find in other people, and be free with your compliments. Just try it. It will take you a long way, and if you think I'm talking shit, you will be surprised.

Diet

Why the hell am I talking about diet on a blog about picking up chicks?

Because diet and excercise are important, that's why.

At the obvious level, you know it's important to look healthy. You know that because you're attracted to fit looking women, and not to overweight girls with terrible skin. It's just a fact of nature. It's not as important in the opposite direction - girls are interested in more than just a guy's looks - but why let being unhealthy be a deal-breaker for you?

But at the next level, and probably more importantly, being healthy makes a huge difference to your life, and the way you come across to women. You have different mixes of hormones coursing through your veins when your fit, and you feel more energetic and confident. That's just the way it is. You'll feel great, and women pick up on that.

I don't think I need to hammer this point much more than that.

Attractive Women 2

This Agoraphilia post is an interesting idea, and even though you might laugh at first, I think there's a lot of truth in it.

There are already a couple of interesting comments on the original article, so let me add a couple of new perspectives:

First, the cause and effect might be the other way around. It might be that women become more attractive BECAUSE they get hit on less. If women are getting hit on all the time without having to put much effort into their appearance, there's no incentive to look good.

Then there's some positive feedback in the system: once some women start looking good, and attracting more than their fair share of guys, the others have to start making the effort to keep up.

Secondly, as I've previously pointed out, women don't become attractive by accident - it's very much a concious effort. The corrollary is that hot women know they are hot. In short, if all the women are hot, the balance of power shifts more into their hands in the environment of a bar, and possibly it becomes easier for guys to try their pickups elsewhere.

Still thinking about this one - thanks for the idea.

Tests 3

Be aware, though, that excessive testing is a sign of insecurity, and a woman who tests you "to destruction" might be one you'd like to avoid.

As with anything, once you get good at the dating game, you might enjoy the challenge of trying to pick up women who push their tests to the limit. No problem. Just realise that if you don't enjoy being tested relentlessly, it might be worth looking elsewhere.

All women are going to test you - there's no way around that. But a stable woman will just continue until she feels secure. She's generally able to look after her self, but sometimes she needs someone to lean on, and she's interested enough in you to want to find out if you can fill that role. Take it as a compliment. Pay her back the compliment by giving her what she wants, which is that you don't cave in to the test.

But someone who is insecure won't stop once she feels safe. She'll keep pushing until something breaks. I'm sure you all know someone like that. The thing is: you can't win in that situation. If the girl is always going to push until you break down, the only possible outcome is that you end up broken down. Again, it's a case of knowing when to move on.

Tests 2

As we discussed last time, if you're interested in meeting women, you better be interested in dealing with their tests. Have a read through the previous post if you haven't already done so.

Dealing with tests is really hard, and it's going to require a lot of work to get it down, but like many things you work hard for, it's worth it. (By the way, yes, it's something I'm working hard on myself).

The more sexual a women is, the harder her tests are going to be. She wants to be really sure of your stability because she wants to jump a long way with you. Which is a good thing. In some sense what I'm saying is that the better you get at dealing with tests, the bigger jumps you're going to have women making with you, and I think that's more than enough motivation to put some effort into this part of your game.

As discussed last time, tests are tests for stability, so the essence of dealing with tests is stability. A big part of this is simply experience, practice and getting stronger. You have to fail a lot of tests before you learn to deal with them. But the core of the issue is simply having a stable, consistent view of your world. No tricks. No deception. No manipulation.

Taking the example from last time, how do you deal with "Does my butt look fat in these jeans?". What's the correct answer?

There isn't one. It's yes or no, depending on whether you think she looks fat or not. The point is not to give the "right" answer but to give your opinion and stick by it, no matter what, thereby demonstrating your stability. The only way you're going to be able to stick by your opinion no matter what she throws at you is if you tell the truth.

So the hard work involved in learning to deal with tests involves two things: you've got to develop a stable, consistent view of all aspects of your world, and you've got to learn about the ways people try to attack your world view and how you can defend against those attacks. And don't be afraid to pick up and move your world view if you find a new position that is more stable, if you see what I mean.

Much, much easier said than done, I know. We'll talk more about this topic.

Tests 1

Women's tests are one of the most fascinating parts of the dating game. Even if you're not immediately familiar with the concept, you of course know the classic "Does my butt look fat in these jeans?" test. It's been extracted into popular culture as the symbol of this funny (on the surface) part of human behaviour.

What's it all about?

It's a long and deep topic - I don't really want to address it fully in this post - but in summary:

If a woman is looking to get involved in any kind of relationship with a man (even if it's only for one night...), she wants to look for some kind of security. Again, another long topic, but let's just agree that at some level, normal women need some level of security before they can open up to a man. All the tests, and there are many, involve pushing the man and seeing if he moves, to test his stability.

Before you abseil off a cliff, you're going to check the tree you've chosen as an anchor pretty bloody carefully. You're going to push it hard it all directions and make sure that fucker isn't going to move an inch before you trust your life to it. Before you jump off a cliff into a river, you're going to make pretty damn sure there's no rock beneath the surface that you're going to break your neck on.

This is what women are doing with their tests. They are pushing you as hard as they can, genuinely trying to move you, but hoping that you won't move. If they've done everything to you and can't move you, they breathe a sigh of relief and can relax for a moment.

Many of you have probably had this experience, and I hope that for the rest you will get to a point where you can experience it too, because it's fun: a girl is screaming at you for whatever reason, and you refuse to change your mind no matter how upset she gets. Then suddenly she softens and you get the hottest kiss of your life. Or whatever else. It seems crazy if you don't know what's going on: but she was testing the water and found out that it was OK to take a jump with you.

Actually, now that I started writing about this, I've had a few interesting ideas and am quite enjoying writing, so I'll continue this theme over the next few days. Talk soon.

Be Decisive

Umm, I can't remember if I wrote on this topic already or not. I would go back and check, but I'm really busy at the moment, and I've got a whole lot of stuff going on as well, so I'm sorry. I hope you guys don't mind. I don't want to be repetitive, but I just can't be sure.

Annoying, isn't it?

And completely unnecessary. Stuffing around and being uncertain shits people, no matter who they are. You know it shits you when somebody does it to you, so why do you think it's going to come off any differently when you try it on a girl?

"Ah, I know a restaurant that used to be cool. But I've haven't been there for a long time. I don't go out much anymore. But we could go there if you like. I just don't want to disappoint you. What do you want to do?"

If she's honest, she's going to say "I want to walk off and leave you for a real man."

Be decisive. "Hey, let's grab something to eat. There's a restaurant around the corner I want to go to." Simple. And she doesn't have to shoulder the responsibility for having made the decision if it turns out to be crap. Understand?

Don't get confused between being certain and being decisive. You can never be certain. We all make mistakes, we all feel uncertainty. But even if you're not sure about something, you can still be decisive and it makes a world of difference.

In other words, your attitude is "I don't know if this is right, but we're going to try it and find out. And if it's wrong, I know that shit happens, and I'm glad I tried it." By the way, there are of course people who genuinely can't get comfortable with that attitude, but why waste your time with them?

[By the way, if you find any of this stuff interesting or useful, don't forget to share it with your friends!]